Some people find it incredibly difficult to give up responsibility. They are the antagonists to all those who fear responsibility. There is nothing you are not willing to take on. There's a new work project coming up, the neighbor needs help changing a tire, the children and their friends need to be picked up from soccer practice, or the dog needs to go to the vet. Taken on its own, taking responsibility is a valuable and, of course, positive quality. It is often accompanied by high reliability.
However, it becomes difficult for people who lose themselves in the assumption of responsibility. This results in so-called costs. On the one hand, in the long run it is incredibly tiring for most people to “always be ready”. The stress level increases and many people rush from one task to another. You feel overwhelmed. On the other hand, your own wishes and needs are neglected. Because you feel responsible always and everywhere, you have little time to think about yourself.
Visiting the gym, meeting friends or even going on vacation are put aside. In addition to increasing stress levels, this also leads to high levels of frustration. As a result, the desire arises for someone to take over tasks or for oneself to be able to rely on someone, to lean on and to relax.
Although this desire arises, in most cases it is still difficult to actually hand over responsibility. This creates a kind of vicious circle that alternately combines the points just mentioned. The reluctance and even the inability to hand over responsibility can have a variety of causes.
I would like to briefly introduce some of these reasons in this article. In most cases, actually dealing with the reasons listed requires professional support, as they often involve deeper psychological structures. However, it can help some people to recognize themselves in one of the points and to develop a better self-understanding of themselves and their actions. Accordingly, I would like to introduce you to some of these possible causes in this article.
Fear of losing control.
“Before I explain it to someone else and they do it wrong, I’d rather do it myself.”
A high level of responsibility is often accompanied by high self-demand. Tasks should be completed quickly and perfectly. This expectation then also applies to others. It may be the case that you initially hand over a task, but then check and make improvements afterwards.
The control here does not only consist of checking the task, but rather that, due to the psychological structure, it is internally important to fulfill one's own standards, as this is often accompanied by a feeling of security that “we have done everything right”. If something deviates from this standard, uncertainty arises and there is a risk of a perceived loss of control. In a certain sense, control plays a role, to a greater or lesser extent, in all of the examples mentioned. However, there are people for whom control is a priority, hence this explicit point.
Fear of breaking off a relationship.
“If I don’t always stand by, others will turn away!”
Some people have deeply rooted beliefs that tell them that if they upset them, other people will turn away. This not only leads to an excessive assumption of responsibility but also to difficulties in setting boundaries such as saying no, expressing one's own needs and behaving contrary to the other person's expectations.
In the case of taking responsibility, this means that it is about preventing abandonment. This is why it is so difficult for those affected not to take on tasks because they carry the idea that they will end up alone.
Establish importance, reliability and recognition.
“If I do a lot, do everything right and get everything done, I am important to others.”
In this case, people have deep within themselves the belief that they are unimportant. This belief encourages them to make themselves particularly important to others by taking responsibility, so that the inner emptiness is filled with external encouragement.
These people often react very disappointed and angry if they are not given a feeling of recognition or importance afterwards.
They have an internal unspoken contract - "If I take on the task, the other person gives me importance and shows me how important I am to him." Since this is not adhered to, overreactions often occur, which are often incomprehensible to those around you.
Fear of conflict.
“Conflicts are dangerous.”
This also often plays a role. People who have difficulties in dealing with conflicts or who find it difficult to endure/deal with emerging conflicts often tend to make a real sacrifice by taking on responsibility. The prospect of a conflict is so threatening that everything is done not to upset the other person.
Similar to what was mentioned before, fear of being abandoned can also play a role here. Another reason could be, for example, that someone wants to avoid the feeling that arises in a conflict situation because they find it unbearable and find it difficult to calm themselves down. In this case, a difficulty in emotion regulation would underlie the behavior.
Fulfillment of moral ideas and norms.
“A good person has responsibility!”
People with a high demand for norm fulfillment tend to take responsibility, provided they have internalized a corresponding norm. Here, the fulfillment of the norm, in our example the assumption of responsibility, becomes a rule that must be adhered to - “I have to help others / I have to support others.” If the person follows their own rule and fulfills this norm, this triggers a positive, coherent feeling.
A violation or non-compliance leads to a very strong, bad conscience. This can lead to the point where your thoughts only revolve around this one misstep. The way out is often only the “absolution” of the other person, “Oh, that wasn’t bad,” or some kind of “compensation.”
This is sometimes the most difficult form, as the positive feeling that is triggered by adhering to internal rules often makes change difficult.
Conclusion.
As you have certainly noticed while reading, it is very difficult to give general advice or assistance when taking these many possible factors into account, since in my opinion the underlying cause should always be clarified, as this greatly promotes change in most cases The procedure also changes individually accordingly.
What can generally help, however, is to first identify yourself in one of the reasons mentioned and, with this knowledge, try to see whether it might be possible for you to give up responsibility in situations that you perceive as manageable and see what happens.
In practical terms - during the next team meeting, you don't immediately speak up about a task that needs to be taken on, but wait until someone else speaks up. Go for it, even if your gut feeling says something bad is going to happen. In 99.9% of cases it won't.
Through this so-called corrective relationship experience, you can learn that nothing you fear will happen or occur. However, to have this experience you have to jump into the deep end. I wish you the courage and insight to take this on.
All the best and have a wonderful, insightful time.
/S. Schwinnen
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